Bubbles, My Angel.

My Bubbles, my angel. My little girl passed away on, May 3, 2020. During this horrible pandemic, many people loved you so very much, so many were unable to meet you or say goodbye. I know we only spent such a short amount of time together, but I cherished every moment that was given. Raelynn, you were the little girl I always wanted. You taught me how to love harder and have more patience.

Your smiles have been stuck in my head. If I could change every moment that led to this, believe me I would. Everyday I regret that Saturday, when we fell. I replay every scenario in my head in what I could have done differently. So many people try to reassure me that I did everything I could. But, as your mommy I feel like there was so much more I could have or should have done. I feel lost without you here.

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When you were first born, I remember the doctor laying you on my chest and I just started tearing up, I knew right then and there you were perfect. I wanted to give you the world. I know you fought so hard. When the doctors told me you were never going to be able to take your first steps or say your first words, I was heartbroken. I knew you were gone, I feel like I failed you as a mother. I had so much hope and wanted a miracle to happen. I prayed…we all prayed, just hoping this nightmare would go away.

I would do anything in this world to just hold you one last time and see that beautiful smile. It breaks my heart that your big brother couldn’t give you a kiss goodbye. He adores you, baby girl. He was so happy to be a big brother, he always wanted to hold you and help as much as he could. He keeps asking for his baby sister. Please let him know you are okay. I know you’ll be watching over him keeping Gabriel safe.

I love you, pumpkin. I miss you dearly. I want to thank you for making me your mommy. God gave me such a precious gift. Even though you are in heaven, I will always be here for you.

I laid you down every night saying close your eyes and see angels. Now, everytime I close my eyes, I see you. The most beautiful angel in the world.

A mother’s blessing…

Just a little over two years ago, on October 26th at 12:12 a.m., I was blessed with the most beautiful gift that changed my life forever. I gave birth to my son, Gabriel Thomas.

He was born at 8 pounds, ll ounces, and 22 inches. Gabriel had these beautiful grey-blue eyes, chubby cheeks, and silky soft skin. On the top of his head was just a little patch of blonde hair that laid flat along his precious face. Gabriel smiled, and it just melted my heart.

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I had so many mixed emotions when he was born. I wasn’t sure how to feed a newborn nor change a diaper. That was something that overwhelmed me a bit. But, I knew that I also loved him more than anything in this world. I remember sitting in the rocking chair, watching him. Tears of joy streamed down my face, the thought that kept crossing my mind was how did I make such a beautiful little miracle, especially with someone that I loved so very much. It was indeed the greatest gift. I had a family; I had a son, a best friend, an angel.

I got up to look over the medibay; I took Gabriel’s hand while he caressed his tiny little fingers around mine. I was picturing the future, our future, his future. The adventures we were going to discover together. The three of us building our memories with birthdays, holidays, vacations. Imagining his dreams and endeavors. Time passed so quickly that night with so many trails of thoughts.

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I remember glancing at the clock, and it was already 4:27 a.m. realizing I needed to lay down and get some rest. The nurse came in to check on both of us. I headed over to my fiance and kissed him while he laid asleep and told him I loved him.

I continued over to my son, gently placing a kiss on top of his forehead and told him that mommy loved him so very much. Gabriel’s tiny eyes widen as they glanced up at me, and I said Gabriel I will always love you; I will make sure I give you the world. Mommy will always be there through the good and the bad. My job is to pick you up when your down and support you through the good. Finally, I laid down, falling asleep next to the two most important human beings in my life, my son, and my significant other.